It's too early to start the day, but I can't seem to sleep as I ponder Big Things which sound disturbingly similar to some kind of Scout Pledge.Leadership: Is it "leadership" if I'm the only one leading? (I've always believed that if I should step away from something and "everything falls apart" then I was a poor leader.)
Commitment: If people only occasionally show up, is it indicative of a lack of commitment?
Service: If everybody is too overworked/exhausted is it okay for them to have something in their lives (e.g. worship, spiritual enrichment) for which all they have to do is show up?
Identity: How much of what I do is about who I am? (I don't want ministry to be about me so why does it sometimes seem to be about me?)
These and other questions swirl in my head at about 4 am as I evaluate a long Sunday in which people (often deservedly) are taking a break from being part of The Team. I found myself being the one to unlock the doors, turn on the AC, click on the lights, set up the mikes, and light the candles on Sunday morning, and then on Sunday night, I prepared the refreshments, arranged the sofas, turned on the lights, unlocked the doors, selected the music, lit the candles, and set up the projector. Oh, and I led worship for both services.
I share this shamefully. To me, this means 1) I'm a bad leader, 2) no one's as committed to this ministry as I am - a recipe for certain failure , 3) we haven't transformed from a professional pastor-centric model after all, and 4) I'm a bad leader. Shades of martyrdom, self-doubt, blah, blah, blah.
Yes we have a congregation full of exhausted people, and they are exhausted in different ways. Some merely work overlong hours in their paid jobs because they have too much work to do/their bosses expect it/the culture of their organization is that every moment is work time/they are running the country/they are saving the world. Others are both physically and emotionally drained due to family stresses/chronic pain/serious illness/financial worries/relationship drama. Others think they are exhausted but are probably not as exhausted as others.
And some are trying their darnedest not to be exhausted - because they've done Exhausted Life before and learned it's not a good way to live - and they are wisely saying "no" even to their spiritual community.
And some believe that church is where they find rest and refreshment and they are supposed to show up and rest and refresh and it's never their responsibility to offer more than that. It would not occur to them to do more than show up.
And to be fair, there were several who served in ways that indeed enhanced worship - the choir members, the coffee hour servers, the greeters, the Godly Play teachers, the nursery workers.
And we indeed worshipped yesterday both in the morning and in the evening in a way that I think/hope/pray pleased God.
But . . . at what point do we (i.e. do I) stop - to prevent my own exhaustion? Because, as we all know, the week is young and already filled with more work than we can possibly do to the glory of God for 40-50 hours between now and next Sunday. It's embarrassing when someone asks when we can get together to talk and I say that I don't have a free night until the third week in July. It's summer, for goodness sake.
So, these are my heartfelt reflections at 4-something in the morning. Your wisdom/berating/truth-spoken-in-love would be appreciated.
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13 comments:
First, no berating from this quarter. How about a hug instead?
I hear you saying you are doing your best to follow God's leading in your life and in your ministry. And it sounds like you hit a wall yesterday.
What is the message of the wall?
Maybe the message is summer.
Maybe the message is "when is my vacation?"
Maybe the message is "leading worship twice in the same day, in different formats, is a lot for one person to do week after week."
Maybe the message is something not even crossing my mind--and that's likely, since you know your situation better than I could.
But I seriously doubt the message is that you are a failure at leadership in any global way.
Here's a different image. When a stream meets a rock, it goes around, but each way around leads to a different course. I hope you can see the possible courses of the stream and keep in mind that a very little rock in the way has only a small impact on the longterm flow of the stream.
Again, (((Jan))).
Wait a second.
Why does a well-deserved break for the Team mean it all falls to you?
Sounds like the Team needs a better back-up plan for when they take a well-deserved break.
And when's your well-deserved break coming?
PS:
Didn't mean to sound harsh-- none of it directed towards you.
You are a mighty fine leader.
One of the best.
I hope today is a sabbath day for you.
A time to refresh and renew for you. Like Songbird's image of the stream going around the rock, what popped into my head while reading this was a song from Donovan from long ago:
"Happiness runs in a circular motion,
floats like a little boat upon the sea,
All of our souls are deeper than you can see,
You can have everything if you let yourself be"
(then lots of la las. I personally like all the la las)
((((jan))))
Jan, you're great. but when are you observing Sabbath? And I mean Sabbath in the old-school, no-working sense. Where you play without expectations, do life-giving things, stay in your pjs and read a whole book or play in your garden or pet some kitties or something. Monastery Day isn't quite the same thing. And you have kids at home so it's harder, but you still have to do it! I hope you will find some rest and some life-giving sabbath time, and soon!!! I wish I could come visit you--we'd laugh and drink coffee and eat creme brulee and walk around and chat and do nothing all at the same time. At the end of the day we'd give each other a big hug and collapse on the couch with a silly movie and a big bowl of kettle korn. :-) (unless you don't like kettle korn, in which case you can have whatever you want...it's YOUR sabbath, after all!)
And then: I agree with Jiff-your team needs a backup team! And I suspect you modeling Sabbath would help them out lots too. Now--have a margarita and enjoy the summer for a little while!! You deserve it! And if you need a song suggestion, I'm going to give you the one that's rattling around in my head: Your Grace Is Enough by the David Crowder Band. It really is enough.
(end preaching to myself on your blog...)
Sometimes we feel things will fall apart if we don't do them, but I've noticed that more often than not it's just a feeling. When my wife and I were planning our wedding, I was so afraid of stuff not getting planned for, or paid, etc., and ruining our wedding for my wife. As you know, we were both out of state while planning it, so eventually somethings came up that I just couldn't take care of. That's when I noticed other people started stepping up. I think the difference is that usually when I ask for help, I make sure to convey to people that they really don't have to if they don't want to, and I don't want to impose, etc. I make it ridiculously easy for people to say no...because I make it seem like I don't really need them.
Maybe it takes something falling apart once for people to wake up and truly notice their participation/help is needed. Either way, YOU need to learn not to work yourself to burnout/death. It's unhealthy for the body and unhealthy for the soul (in my humble opinion). We miss you Jan!
my computer at the last line (post me talking to myself) of my comment: You are not a failure, you're fabulous! :-)
What an elegant post that captures the lives of pastors all over the country. Certainly a pastoral hug and knowing, sympathetic word would be helpful, and it looks like you've got plenty of those with more to come. What I would like to offer is a long, long conversation because the issues you have raised are the very ones I taught for so many years. So drop me a line if you are interested. In the meantime, Teri offered a magic word: Sabbath. It's not a cure-all, but it's a necessary first step.
CP
I hear all of what the others have said and affirm it. You are not a bad leader. We live in a world that doesn't encourage us to be part of anything, but to be unto ourselves.
I think one of your other commentors said that maybe something has to not get done for folks to see that it needs to be done. It's very, very hard to do and not feel guilty about it. Put yourself on your priority list. You can't minister to these folks if you're exhausted.
I don't believe God calls us to literally die for this ministry or to be doormats for Jesus.
Prayers for you (and for them) in these days.
I sure do ponder this very thing ALL the time, since so much of NCD is me doing so many things. (And I often wonder why I feel like such a failure at it!)
I've even toyed with the idea where I ask myself, "What would happen if we just closed the doors for a week or two, put up a sign, "Gone Fishing, see you in two weeks" like so many small businesses do, and let everyone take a break?"
The times I've mentioned this out loud in any church setting were a bit funny - especially the hysterical reactions a suggestion like that got. But I wonder, why not? If there is a season for everything, then why doesn't that include a break from the church, for the church?
I feel with you. Don't know if solidarity with this is a good thing or not! :)
I agree with Songbird. I think you may be experiencing the need for summer in that wall.
And, I believe not one free evening until the third week in July = overscheduled, heading for burnout.
Pax, C.
And now I feel that sounded harsh... please don't hear it that way. I believe we all do what we feel we need to do, and for me to judge your situation is really not ok. Didn't mean to do that.
It was meant in a concerned sort of way. With affection.
Pax, C.
Thanks to all. Today was a better day.
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