There are conversations I've had with my children that I not only never had with my own mother, but they were outside the realm of conversational possibilities. Certain words were never uttered. Certain subjects were never broached.This is The Sex Talk my mom and I had some 40 years ago:
Mom: Do you have any questions about . . . you know . . . private woman things?
Me: No.
Mom: Okay then.
The Washington Post Magazine cover story this past weekend was The Secret Life of Moms, and it's about what youthful indiscretions we Moms may have committed in our past lives (and whether we should ever disclose them to our kids.) As a person who was among the handful who was terrified to experiment with "hard drugs" and was quite the late bloomer in the dating department, I am grateful for my less than colorful past. I can't say (like Barbara Bush) that I married the first man I ever kissed, but I also don't have many stories I can't share with my kids.
Liza Mundy writes of one "supermother" who was a stripper in her younger days and about another now respectable neighbor who was the local drug dealer back in ninth grade. Do we disclose our "youthful exuberance" with the kids, especially if they ask point blank ?
Some say "yes" and some say "no." Some say it's best to share the truth but not to offer one's entire sordid history. Some say it depends on the ages of the kids when they ask.
All I know is that the gender gap is alive and well.
Consider preachers who, in their personal testimonies, share that once-upon-a-time (i.e. before they met Jesus) they were drug users/binge drinkers/sexually promiscuous/faithless slackers. They once were lost but now are found.
Note that all of them regaling such stories are male.
Imagine for a moment that the pastor disclosing a past of pot smoking/shot drinking/random partnering/back-sliding is a woman. Different story. Show me a woman who makes this kind of testimony at a tent meeting, and I'll show you a woman without a church job. Men can find Jesus and be redeemed. Women can find Jesus and still be labeled "cheap" after all these years.
The gender gap is alive and well in the secrets department for moms and dads too. Or maybe I'm showing my age. Moms are still about apple pie. Dads are allowed a history of sowing wild oats.
So here is my big secret:
When I had three children under the age of four, I fantacized about the day when all three would go to school. That would be the day - I imagined - when I would lavishly lunch with friends, pamper myself at a day spa, and shop sans stroller to my heart's content. What really happened on that long awaited day? I took a nap.
We all have our secrets, and I have mine too. But I, for one, love that our kids can ask me direct questions and I can give direct answers in a way that my mom never would have shared. Part of my hope is that our kids will make good choices, and learn when they don't. I'm still trying to do this myself - make good choices and learn when I don't - even in midlife. Maybe that's the real secret: that grownups are still trying to figure things out too. What do you think?
Photo by Doug Mindell for The Washington Post Magazine.
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8 comments:
My mom has become one of my best friends, and I've always loved how open and honest she has been with me. But she always kept it age-appropriate as well. The older I became, the more direct Mom could be with me. I felt comfortable asking her about anything (except sex...that was still an uncomfortable topic). I could even talk to her about the night I had to spend babysitting a friend who was high on ecstasy (taken without our knowledge).
Now she cries when we hang up after our Sunday evening conversations.
Age-appropriate is the best guideline of all, just like when your kids ask where babies come from, etc. You'll know if you're going to far from the look of panic/shock/"OMG!" on their faces.
Like you, I was a dull girl, so I have no major confessions to make. In fact, all three parents (birth and step) in our occasion had remarkably tame teen and young adult years, despite coming along in the sexually free 70's/very early 80's.
In fact, I may blog a funny conversation with my daughter about this.
I think you are right on about the differences of men and women pastors sharing their "pre-conversion" stories, and probably "post-conversion" stories, too. My sense is that neither one appropriate if it directs the attention only to the titillating sordid moments of one's life. It's the oprafication of the congregation.
I've shared a great deal with my daughters occasionally is direct language but most often in veil language that nevertheless they fully understand. Mostly they don't really want to know more than "back in the day" ...
As far as I am concerned, we are partners with our children in the journey of life. We learn from them and their experiences. They learn from us and ours. We provide boundaries, and they provide the opportunity to expand our horizons. It is better than those expectations that we are live our lost youth out through our kids, or that they are nothing more than bracelet charms. My attitude is that I want my relationship with my children to get better each year throughout life, rather than they remain children and I the parent. It keeps the relationship fresh and the adventure going.
I never thought about that gender gap in preacher testimonies before. How true!
Wow. You nailed what I thought as I read that Washington Post article! NO WAY would I get up and share some of my past... and yet the male pastors I work with think nothing of it.
I've yet to share some parts of my story because then people truly look at you differently. I just say, "well, I was a wild child and had a cup of stupid now and then."
And we laugh and move on. Because everyone has had theirs.
Great post. And maybe, once I get through my sermon, I'll blog on this too!
:)
deb
Deb
I have to admit, I'm a litle confused. I get the part about sharing sordid details of your past life with your kids... that's a toughie. It definitely depends on their age/maturity and why you're telling them...and how...doing it in a way that is for their good and for their growth and that leads to greater intimacy between the two of you.
I'm confused about how this issue relates to gender just because the article was about moms. (I would imagine the exact conflict exists between children and fathers) I'm not employed by my church, but if I were, I would feel just as comfortable admitting my past sins as any male pastor...and I think they would be received in the same way. Maybe your church experience has been different, but I can't think of why you would feel that a congregation would demonize a woman pastor and not a man. I would almost say it would be the other way around since males are usually thought of as strong and invincible. I dont' even go to an egalitarian church and I can't fathom a woman's confession being treated-of differently. Maybe your experience is drastically different from mine, but from where I sit your assumptions seem like a bit of a stretch.
I'm not a pastor, but I've definitely shared my story, in front of hundreds, at a church gathering. I figure those who look at me differently are being prepared for God to knock them upside their heads, as happened to me years ago (and still does on occassion, thankfully). Its a risk worth taking, for some, depending on the situation. I odn't toss around my past but share it when appropriate. Including with my children when/if need be.
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