Part of her died in 1996.She looks healthy and fine – a middle-aged woman whose waist has thickened over the years, who once turned heads as a lively coed but would be somewhat invisible today - as many 50+ women are – except for the fact that her husband is running for President.
Once you lose a child, losing a breast is probably nothing. Losing your life surely ranks as a less fearful prospect than it used to be, except for the fact that it means leaving three other children – two little ones who need their mother every day, and one adult daughter . . . who needs her mother every day.
At first, I thought, “How dare he? How dare he campaign for President while his wife’s immediate future includes ingesting poisons with ingredients similar to rat poison and mustard gas, whose vocabulary will expand to include words like doxorubicin and clodronate and radiofrequency ablation? Who will help the little ones with their homework if one parent is glad-handing in Iowa and the other one is recovering from laser interstitial therapy? It seems to be the ultimate in selfishness.
Unless . . . this couple has such a profound sense of calling that this campaign is something they have to do. Maybe they feel like this is one way to take control of a seemingly uncontrollable situation.
What do they have to lose . . . except precious time when they could be together saying things they need to say, while sitting in Adirondack chairs at the beach or cuddling their kids on the family sofa? Chances are good that Elizabeth Edwards will not live to see her children's children. But maybe the thought of Doing Everything She Can Do to get her husband elected is the best therapy for now.
Nevertheless, as I watched her today, speaking from the same hotel where we celebrated our wedding reception (where almost everybody in our hometown, including the Edwardses, once celebrated their wedding reception), memories washed over me. I remember when my mother received the same diagnosis, at the same hospital, in the same beautiful town just blocks away from the site of that press conference.
Chapel Hill is a small town filled with smart people. And every year there is more hope for people with cancer as smart people all over discover new things. Maybe this particular campaign is about more than an election.
But the mother in me, and the mother who's left me, makes me want to whisper in Elizabeth's ear: Forget the election. Make all your favorite recipes with the kids and write them down. Record your voice telling them stories. Plant flowers. Take pictures. Tell them what you love most about them.
But then again, she should be the one to decide how to spend these days. First you cry. Then you fight.
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18 comments:
Heartache...for you and for Elizabeth.
Gratitude....for your candor and transparency...and that of the Edwards.
Prayers. Always.
I'm such a cynic. I'll admit my first thoughts were, Well, it'll be harder to "Swift Boat" a guy whose wife is going through chemo. Or wait, maybe I'm just hopelessly naive . . .
At first I admit that I was horrified by this. I've had enough experience with cancer in the family to know that when it is in the bones the treatments that will keep it at bay are very disabling, painful and emotionally fraught.
Then I reconsidered. If you are happy and committed to your life plans, then why wouldn't you want to continue living it as long as you can?
I wish Elizabeth well and hope her treatment will allow her to continue to participate in the campaign, though I would never vote for her husband because I disagree with his political positions.
she has the same kind of cancer my mother had. I know that no two people are ever the same in their responses to treatment, but my mom wasn't able to do anything for herself, and she died in less than a year from the diagnosis the Edwards' just received.
I am trying to imagine someone who is able to be president while grieving his wife and helping his children grieve their mother....even if he were able to do that, I am not sure I would want him as president.
Thank you for this thoughtful post.
I don't know what I would do if it were my diagnosis.
Then again, we're all dying...
I don't know. There is no easy, and probably no 'right' answer.
Pax, C.
Jiff -- you are the best.
Teri - I'm with you there.
(((Jan)))
My Uncle Ed died of bone cancer. It was hideously painful and the course of treatments were so intense. So trying not to be judgemental. But somehow can't imagine anything more selfish on his part than continuing the physically relentless campaign trail by taking advantage of what must be denial on her part of what she is about to go through. Her children will suffer the most because of this choice.
Wasn't going to vote for him before. Now, not even gonna listen to him.
have to agree with all of you! I would choose other priorities, and only Edwards family can choose theirs. And, like most of you, I wasn't going to vote for him before; and if I was, I wouldn't now, because, as Teri said, I can't picture him being effective as President and husband and father in these circumstances.
Jan- Oh My Goodness. You said exactly what I wanted to say.
Yes.
And what you said- maybe we would make different choices, but to somehow presume that we know more about their lives and/or motives than they do and to prescribe words like selfish or denial seems inappropriate.
This post and the comments have followed my thinking almost exactly as I thought about this diagnosis and what to me seemed a questionable move to continue the campaign.
But the more I thought about it the more I thought that more than any other time this is a 'not until I walk in their shoes' time.
Truly the woman has been through enough to earn my benefit of the doubt.
Like others have said, your words have echoed my thoughts as well. Perhaps their decision to continue their quest is a way to look cancer squarely in the face and say "you will not win."
I am so sorry that YOUR vocabulary includes words like doxorubicin and clodronate...I am quite certain that you learned them in a very painful way.
As always, your thoughtful words bless me.
(((Jan)))
I heard Andrew Sullivan (who is not an Edwards supporter, to say the least) who said, as someone who lives with a life-threatening illness himself, Elizabeth Edwards is an inspiration for those who want to just live their lives and not be consumed by the illness. You fight by continuing to live. For a political family, that means working for the causes they believe in for as long as they can. Apparently she's still feeling well. So why not continue as long as she is? That was Sullivan's perspective.
Also, there are many different outcomes of a campaign. Sometimes it's just about getting the message out. If they have a few months or longer to do that before it's time to stop, more power to 'em.
It sure beats serving your wife with divorce papers in the midst of her cancer diagnosis. Not to mention any names there.
(From hugs to partisan snark in a single comment--I need help.)
I'm with you--the mother in me says don't abandon these kids and for what? They've lost enough; they've feared enough. I blogged about it too, as I'm sure many women did.
a thoughtful post and so many thoughtful comments. Obviously, her husband's campaign is something she believes in, and what better time to put energy into something you believe in than now? He can change his mind and quit any day, but he could never change his mind and restart his campaign. I don't know that this would have been my decision (but I don't think I would want to run for president), but I applaud them for a brave and thoughtful decision--and I'm sure they will have many more to make in the future.
there was an article about this very topic in the NY Times this morning. Mrs. Edwards very eloquently states that she's not going to give an inch to this disease. Mr. Edwards very naively says that he and the family can handle it if she dies early because "we've been through it before." granted, losing a child is a horrific experience, a grief which will never fully go away...but losing a partner is different. Every loss is different, and I feel little confidence in his statement. Instead, I feel sad.
But I am actually really happy that she is so determined and that she really sees this as a way to not give in. I wish my mom had had a similar cause to work for--it may have prolonged her life, who knows....
I guess I could give you the link...duh. The NYT article is here
I know I struggle with a tendency to be too judgmental at times -- well, who am I kidding, a lot of the time! lol.. but, I have had breast cancer and I have children. And I can't imagine devoting that much time to another "cause" when I might be living my last days with my children.
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